Trials or "Prison Walls" Cannot Contain Me

Lord Jesus, when the prison doors close in on me, keep me trusting, and keep my joy full and abounding. Prosper Thy work through me in prison: even there, make me free indeed.

A little bird I am,
Shut from the fields of air,
And in my cage I sit and sing
To Him who placed me there;
Well pleased a prisoner to be,
Because, My God, it pleaseth Thee.

My cage confines me round,
Abroad I cannot fly,
But though my wing is closely bound,
My soul is at liberty;
For prison walls cannot control
The flight, the freedom of the soul.

"I have learnt to love the darkness of sorrow; there you see the brightness of His face." Madame Guyon

From Streams in the Desert

I'm Getting Married!

I can't believe that it has been almost four months since I last posted! Especially considering that I have had some very monumental changes happening in my life.

First and foremost, Matt and I got engaged on May 9th! We are getting married on December 18th of this year. That's actually only 111 days away. Not that we're counting or anything. ; )

I have never really gotten the chance to share with many people the story of our romance. Most people aren't usually surprised when they find out that our story begins many years before we started dating last July. We act like we've known one another awhile! Matt and I met at Turkey Hill Ranch Bible Camp when I was 14 years old, so we've known each other for nearly 8 years. Wow. I still can't believe that. We really didn't become friends until the summer following when I was 15 and he was 19, the same summer that Matt was sporting his long hair look. At that time, the first thing I ever remember him saying to me was, "So are you 17 or 18?" Boy, was he way off! : )

I think that summer I was pretty awestruck that a guy who was in college was actually paying attention to me. Whether it was because I looked older than I was, or as I would like to think, my undeniable charm, we spent a lot of time together. One evening near the end of the summer, he approached me during chapel and asked if we could talk later that night on the balcony. I said yes, and I remember turning to my friend with big eyes and asking what it could be about. I really, truly wish that I could remember more of what he said to me when we talked later on that night. What I do remember is that he told me that he had feelings for me, but he knew that we were facing a four year age difference. He said that if I felt the same way he wanted to take things slowly and prayerfully and see where the Lord led us. I don't remember what I said, but I know that I agreed because I totally reciprocated his feelings!

We parted ways after camp ended and he would call my house phone to talk to me. We also emailed frequently...this was even before Facebook! : ) That year, 2004, my family was moving to Oran from Jackson and I was starting a new high school. I was always really introverted, and I got really, really stressed out about moving to a new school. What I soon found was that the othter students at Oran High School were super nice and were very accepting of me. Before I knew it, I felt like I had been there my entire life. Due to my newfound popularity, my relationship with Matt suffered. We were very casual, and I found that when we weren't around one another, my feelings became flighty. I am extremely embarrassed to say this, but I did the only mature thing I knew of: I simply stopped responding.

Fastforward to the summer of 2005. I am 16 years old, sitting in the dining hall of Turkey Hill at staff training, and in walks Matt, looking extremely good-looking and with short-styled hair! I felt my feelings flutter, and I was right back to the summer before. As for Matt...he was not. To make an extremely long summer short, I spent a lot of time pining over him, but when I told him about it, he was not impressed. Obviously. I can laugh about this now, but my reaction to his disinterest was not sadness, it was anger...and that set the tone for our relationship for the next five years.

From then on, almost everything Matt did made me angry. He would try to be nice to me, or flirt with me, and I would scowl in his direction. This is because when he would tease me or talk to me, I would feel myself start to draw to him again, and that infuriated me! I cannot even tell you how many people would come to me and ask me when the two of us were getting married. I couldn't stand it, and in turn I really couldn't stand him. I actually dated a boy from my high school during this time, and I would notice that every once in awhile while I was thinking about my then boyfriend, I would think about Matt. I frequently wondered if this was from the Lord, or if it was just punishment for treating Matt so badly whenever we saw one another. What was even worse was that my mother loved him. I was certain, though she never said it, that she daydreamed about the two of us being together. When I would get upset with her she would say, "I'm sorry, Erica, I just feel like he has always loved you." When I brought up about how he had turned me away a few years back, she would say that he was hurt and couldn't react any other way. I was extremely skeptical...and frustrated.

In 2009, I was preparing my heart to work at camp again for a final summer. I knew that my strange relationship with Matt was hindering to my attitude because he either irritated me or brought about feelings that I didn't like to feel. The Lord had already begun to soften my heart towards him because at the Volleyball Conference in April I had confessed to my dear friend Veronica that I had a sense that the Lord had Matt and I to be married. I didn't like this...for the most part. Like I said, my heart had been softening : ). I really prayed before I went to camp that the Lord would give Matt and I a good friendship, or that He would lead us into something more. I prayed that if there was to be something more, that my heart would begin to change completely.

We actually had a good friendship for the first time that summer. I got the impression that he might like me still, and we flirted a little. I got distracted for a time, but my friend Jessica gave me the wonderful, Christ-centered advice to pray to not let my mind and heart be focused on the changes I was experiencing, but on God and my work at camp alone. The Lord really worked in my life then, and I had one of the most difficult, but amazing weeks counseling during teen camp. I was having more feelings developing for Matt, but I wasn't quite certain that a relationship between the two of us was something that the Lord was leading us into. I was approached by a dear friend who told me that she had felt led to be praying for Matt and I. She wasn't sure of the direction, but she let me know that she had been praying for us earnestly. I was so surprised, but I shouldn't have been so shocked at the working of the Holy Spirit. I still wasn't fully convinced of the Lord's will, because I did not feel that I should be blessed with a romantic relationship since I had not been even praying about desiring that. This continued until one night when I was reading in 1 Corinthians 1:31 which says, "That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord." It sounds cheesy, but it was like I had had an epiphany. I realized that I didn't have to be doing anything to be blessed by the Lord. If I had been constantly asking and seeking a relationship with a man, I might have thought that the blessing of one was due to my own actions. I suddenly felt at peace. Now all I needed was Matt to approach me...

He soon did, and we discussed our odd relationship for the past six years at that point. I apologized over and over for my immaturity, but Matt made a good point. He said, "If we hadn't have messed up the relationship before, then we would have been dating for the past six years. With how young we were, there is no way it would have worked out..." Ah, God's timing is perfect. Why do we ever doubt or wonder at His will?

I'm sorry to chatter away like this, and I honestly had no intention of posting all of this on here, but I needed to record it all some way : ) As I said, we are getting married in 111 days...we're so excited, and we hope to see you there!

The End is in Sight!!!

I have exactly three days of work, two days of classes, and two finals until I am free for the summer!!! I am so excited to be near the completion of this semester. I feel like a huge weight is slowly easing off of my shoulders, and I couldn't be more thankful and happy. This last school year, both the fall and spring semesters, have been the most trying of my college career. I know that most of it has to do with my nearly full-time job along with my course work, but I've also been sick a hundred times (that might be a tiny exaggeration)...which, might I add, I don't understand because of my close relationship with GermX. :) Oh, but all things considered, I have learned to truly value and lean on my relationship with Christ...so I guess none of those hard times really even matter except for my benefit in Jesus.

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I should have a busy, albeit full summer ahead of me. I am staying home this summer to spend some time with my mom and dad. It will just be the three of us since Nate will be gone to Turkey Hill. I am going to go to camp some too in July, but I will mostly be at home working. I believe I have lined up a job as a babysitter/nanny to a little girl, so I'm pretty thrilled about that. I am going to miss my babies at work so much, but it will be a nice change to just be caring and playing with one instead of sixteen! I am also hoping to get a lot of school work done this summer for my teaching portfolio. I will complete most of it during student teaching, but being the severely type A person that I am, I will feel more comfortable working ahead. :)

I also wanted to add that that big, scary test I was writing about in my previous post...I kicked its behind! :) Just kidding...I mean, I did pass the test, and I felt like I had dominated it when I saw my scores. It was like an evil opponent to me. I'm glad its been defeated! Thank you, Lord.

I am currently reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and Streams in the Desert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. Matt and I bought Mere Christianity to read and discuss, but I've kind of fallen behind...so I need to get on that...I will try to post some about the book just to keep myself going once the summer starts. I've been reading the devotional in the morning, and I really like it. My fabulous friend Veronica also gave me One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven, so that's on my list as well. Does anyone know anything about any of these books? Thoughts, advice? :) Let me know.

Worried, Anxious, Nervous--No Good!

It is not my intention to complain during this post but...Oh, I am dreading this upcoming week and the hurdle that awaits me on Saturday. I am taking an exam called the Praxis on Saturday morning at 8 a.m., and I am already so nervous about it. The Praxis is a teaching exam that I have to pass in order to be certified and, here's the most awesome part, I have to pass it before I student teach, or even apply to student teach. So, yay, I have to pass this test before August. I am generally a very good test taker but the thought of taking this exam makes me sick to my stomach. What if I don't pass? Does that mean I'm going to be a bad teacher? I sure hope not.

But my nervous and impatient heart does indicate one thing: I need to be in serious prayer this week! The Lord Jesus reassures me in His Word: "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow..." (Matthew 6:25,26 and 34a)

The Lord also already knows His perfect plan for my life...so why do I fret? Why am I anxious? I am ashamed that I feel I never fully rest in the Lord. That will be the prayer of my heart this week. Maybe through this trying experience I will learn to place my worries in His hands always. I know I am unable to humanly be perfect in any area...this reminds me of a verse in Psalm 103. "For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (vs. 14) I'm glad the Lord knows I am imperfect and love me still!

And this morning I was reading in Matthew 26 where the disciples kept falling asleep when Jesus was praying. I have often wondered why it was so darn hard for them to stay awake? I mean, it was Jesus, the Savior of the world, asking them to wait and watch, but they kept sleeping. But now I see...how does my life reflect the disciples actions? How often do I not wait on Jesus? Yes, "the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Thank you to those that have been praying for me already! I know that God's perfect will will prevail if I seek it and I do my very best to be prepared! Other than that test, life is pretty good! I have wonderful friends and family who love me for who I am. What could be more encouraging? Matt also took me to Chicago last weekend. It was my first time going and was amazing! I have to go back SOON! I could live on Michigan Avenue...in the four level Crate & Barrel store... :)

Have a great week.

I am very thankful for my sister, Jessica. Isn't she so pretty? Both inside and out.

Snow & Friends

Last Friday night (January 29), Matt, Teddy Tash, and I drove to my home Southeast Missouri through a blizzard...well, at least it felt like a blizzard! All of southbound Interstate 55 was covered with snow and there were big trucks every where blowing more snow at our car. I'm not going to lie--I was so nervous and was sitting in the backseat praying we would arrive safely, while Matt and Teddy sat up front as cool as a couple of cucumbers. Go figure. But, no worries, we did arrive safely, and the bonus of the mini blizzard was a great day of sledding Saturday out at The Gospel Chapel with my church family!

Courtney, Luana, Mom, and Dad at the bottom of the hill

Jessica and I coming up the hill

Luana and Ashton getting ready to slide down!

Chase having a good time.

My brother and Matt coming up the hill.

Matt holding Levi up after a ride down.

Nate getting some air off of the ramp!

We all had so much fun, even though we were battered and bruised from wiping out more often than not! I actually ended up with a knot on my chin from jumping on my brother's back and smacking the back of his head. I had trouble eating for the rest of the night because my jaw was sore, but I couldn't resist the warm chili and hot dogs, so I managed to work through the pain ;)

I cannot take any credit for these pictures because they were all taken by other people there on Saturday. I am currently without a working camera--it is on my "need to purchase" list. It is a very long list. I do love shopping...

Have a great week everyone! One final thought...

"But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)" Ephesians 2:4,5

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

I officially started my sixth semester of college today... and though I swore after my horrible freshman experience with an 8 a.m. Biology class that I would never, ever take 8 a.m. class again...I have 8 a.m. class on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I've found that I enjoy getting up early (once I am out of bed, that is) and getting my day started. So hello, 8 a.m. classes! In fact, every weekday morning I am up early. Here's what my days will look like the next four months:

• Monday: Work: 8 a.m. to 6 p.m.
• Tuesday: Class: 8 a.m. to 12:15 p.m. -- Work: 1 p.m. to 6 p.m.
• Wednesday: Class: 8 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. -- Work: 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. -- Class: 7:05 p.m. to 9:35 p.m.
• Thursday: Class: 8 a.m. to 12:15 p.m. -- Work: 1 p.m. to 6 p.m.
• Friday: Work: 6:30 a.m. to 4:30 a.m.

So from that I should be pretty busy for the awhile...and being an elementary teacher, probably for the rest of my life (with the exception of the summers, of course!). I was praying today as I was pushing my kids at work around on our "Bye Bye Buggy" up and down the hallway, and I was praying that I would be thankful for the opportunities I have been blessed with. I have been given so much--love, encouragement, scholarships, a good job--and I want to make sure I am rejoicing in the Lord always.

What an awesome God we do have! I have been reading in Ephesians and I have read the first two chapters a few times now. I recently got a new bible for my birthday (my old one was well-loved, and carelessly scribbled in by my 13-year-old self) and was yet to mark in it or take notes on the pages. I know it seems like a long time without note-taking, but I wanted to make sure the notes aren't silly. I am a grown-up now :). But from these two chapters I found the first verses that I chose to mark.

"In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory." Ephesians 1: 13,14

I went to a wedding with Matt two weeks ago and as the bride and groom walked back down the aisle as man and wife, the song, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder played. First of all, I love that song, and secondly, these verses reminded me of that in a big way. The lyrics of the song say, "Here I am, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours..." And that is exactly what we are in Christ Jesus. We know we have eternal security in our salvation because it is "sealed" with a "promise" and "guaranteed" to us. The promise is made by God--it is in the Holy Spirit. I was so moved by this even though I've read similar verses many times. The Lord makes us promises and then backs them up over and over in His Word. Here He gives us three words that carry so much. Earlier in the chapter Paul also talks about how we are adopted sons by Jesus Christ, and how we were "predestined" to be, even though God knew we would rebel and turn to sin. In verse 6 it says He made us "accepted in the Beloved." We are indeed accepted, and we can never be let go.

A Great Love Story

This being my first attempt at an online blog, I am not quite sure where to begin. I am not even quite sure why I am starting a blog, because I don't really feel that I have a very interesting life to blog about. I do, however, have possession of the greatest gift ever given to mankind. I am a part of the most wonderful, exciting, and amazing love story of all time! It is the story of a King who loved His bride with such fervor and ardency that He gave His life so she could live free of bondage. I feel so blessed and treasured because I am the recipient of that love...I am that bride! My King is Jesus Christ, the Creator of the universe, and He died on a cross and paid for my sin and the sin of the whole world...all because He loved us. Wow. Beat that, romance novel writers!

When considering the love of my Savior, a verse from 1 John comes to mind:

"In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him." (1 John 4:9)

With that in mind, I guess I do have something special to blog about :)

As far as my normal life goes, I am busy finishing up a January term class at school. It was a three week study course for the Praxis II exam that I have to pass this spring to get my teaching license. I spent almost $35 on a book to help me study and have been using materials that my professor gave me in class and online, so hopefully I'll pass. I am not going to lie...I am still really nervous. I guess I don't quite feel like teaching material yet. I don't know. I wish I had more time to finish some of my education courses at school this semester, but I have to have my Praxis passed by August when I apply for student teaching in spring 2011. Oh, my, where did my life go? I feel like I just started college...

My work at a child development center is also keeping my busy. I have 16 little babies to love and cuddle with everyday, and I am certain I have been blessed with the most amazing job ever. It can be stressful and hectic when everyone is needing attention at the same time, but when you have some quiet moments alone with one of them while giving them a bottle or rocking them to sleep it's as if the whole world sort of stops. It is just you and them--this tiny, helpless little miracle. And they look up at you with such certainty...like you can't ever let them down. It's the best. I love my job :)

I am starting a study of Ephesians and have become very drawn to the use of the word "walk" in the short letter. I hope to post some of my thoughts on that soon. Unfortunately, my bathroom in the dorm is calling for a good cleaning, so I think I'd better get on that.